


The Unicorn Incident

by KeakaSenka



Series: The Uni-Verse [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Assault, Attempted Sexual Assault, Blood and Injury, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Masturbation, Panic Attacks, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route, Reader is a cop after all, Sans - Freeform, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Unicorn dildos, awkward conversations not to have with your best friend 101, friends to.... fuck buddies?, gag gifts gone wrong?, here i go again, keaka what is wrong with you?, more like gag gifts gone right, ope i fond the angst, tense emotions, unicorn hater alert, unintentional cock block, what? no angst?, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:25:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18025547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeakaSenka/pseuds/KeakaSenka
Summary: In which Sans gave you a gag gift. Also in which said gag gift turns out to be a rad gift. Awkward reunions commence. Now with plot!





	1. What did that poor unicorn ever do to you?

**Author's Note:**

> Look at me procrastinating at procrastinating. Will this cycle ever cease? Will Keaka ever do their homework? Find out next time on 'My Best Friend Gave Me a Dildo.'

You rummaged around your closet, murmuring to yourself. You knew it was around somewhere, so where the hell had you put it? You would think a rainbow unicorn dildo should stick out a bit more. You knew you had shoved it in your closet before your friend Ashley had come over to drink her sorrows away. But now, it seemed like it had just disappeared. Giving a frustrated sigh, you started sifting through the pile of clothes on the floor. Apparently, life was determined that you weren’t getting off today. 

After another thorough search, you gave a victory cry as you grabbed the dildo from an open duffle bag. You had to fight back a scoff at the thought of how you even got the ridiculous thing.

You had known Sans ever since the barrier had been broken. You had ran into each other at the park, quite literally, and after the awkward introductions were out of the way, you two seemed near inseparable.

You had constantly been at his house playing games, watching movies, or poorly attempting to teach Papyrus the proper way to make spaghetti. Life seemed perfect for a whole three years. After that? Well… Life has a way of ruining good things.

You had received a call from headquarters of a police station six hours away. Of course, it had been the department you had been wanting to get into for years now, and really, the reason you had wanted to get into police work in the first place. They were well known for protecting monster’s rights and keeping the peace between the two races.

It had been a tough time deciding to move away from your friends and family, but in the end you felt like it was the right thing to do. You had expected saying goodbye to Sans would have been the toughest. Apparently, he had other plans.

Not only did the bastard set up a whole going away party themed around unicorns (he knew you hated those), he had gone out of his way to get you a rainbow-fucking-unicorn dildo. He had about fallen off of his chair laughing at the look of disgust on your face.

Unfortunately for you, after a night of drinking, curiosity got the better of you. And, by god, it quickly became your go to favorite. Not only was it just the right size, the ridges that spiraled up along it rubbed against all of the right places.

Silently thanking any existing gods, you made your way over to your bed. As annoyed as you had been about the entire day, you needed some sort of release, and this seemed to be the perfect way of going about it.

You made yourself comfortable before slowly trailing your fingers up your sides and over to graze gently over the swell of your breasts. You brushed over your nipples before letting your hand wander lower. You bit back a groan as you ran your fingers through your short curls, a sure fire way to get the sensation started.  
You unbutton your pants and push them down to your knees, not bothering to take them off all of the way.

Using one finger, you began teasing your inner lips, feeling yourself become wet. You fumbled for the lube and generously coated the colorful dildo. Your breath hitched as you felt the pressure against you before slipping inside of you. You began to move the dildo slowly at first, relishing in the sensation.

You briefly wondered what Sans would think if he knew what you were doing with his so called gag gift. Shaking your head of the thought, you decided Sans is definitely not someone you should be thinking about at the moment. That has to defile at least three different friend laws.

You moved your free hand to your hair, running your fingers through the strands before grabbing a firm hold. Your breath started to pick up pace with the extra stimulation and you let a small groan fall from your lips. 

You started to move the dildo a bit more roughly and-

Who the fuck was knocking on your door?

You grit your teeth and choose to ignore the sound, hoping that they would give up and come back another time. Taking a breath, you picked up where you left off and-

“yo, button, i know you’re in there.”

Oh, god, no. Not him. Why was he in your house?

“your car is parked out front and your living room lights are on. c’mon, aren’t you at least going to say hi?”

Fuck, it sounded like he was getting closer to your room. As much as you hated the fact that life had decided to give you yet another obstacle to getting off, your soul decided seeing your best friend was more important. That and you absolutely _refused_ to get caught in such a compromising position.

You quickly threw the dildo under your bed and scrambled to fix your pants. Rushing over to the door, you flung it open and practically ran out to the living room. Your eyes locked with his for a split moment before he blurred before you one second and had you wrapped up in a hug in the next.

You returned the hug with just as much vigor and fought back the tears burning at the corners of your eyes.

“Did you just _teleport_ when you weren’t even ten feet from me, you absolute _nerd_?” You giggled hysterically. His deep laugh rolled over you and it felt like coming home.

“you know i only use my teleportation for the most important things, button.” He picked you up and spun you, before placing you back on the ground.

“Oh, yeah?” You leaned back to give him, what you hoped to be, a stern look. “And how about that time you teleported in the grocery store to grab the last ketchup bottle? Was that important too?”

“well, obviously. i wasn’t going to let that other dude take what was mine, simple as that.”

“You’re an asshole,” you supplied weakly before going back in for another hug to which he so kindly reciprocated. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“well, as i recall, someone had promised to hang out with me about two years ago, and instead of letting me know how she was doing, she decided to basically disappear.”

He wasn’t wrong. You stepped away from the hug, guilt washing over you.

“Sans… I’m really sorry. I got so caught up in my training that time seemed to fly by without me realizing it. Then I had to get settled into my new house and I got promoted-”

“hey,” he cut you off, that goofy smile still on his face. “you got busy. i get it. it happens.”

You smiled back, just glad to have your friend back.

“however,” he continued on, “i do believe that means that you owe me.”

You groaned and rolled your eyes.

“Oh, god. What have I gotten myself into? Please don’t tell me I have to pay off your tab at Grillby’s. Because if you do, I am revoking our friendship and moving to Alaska.”

God, you had missed the sound of his laugh so damn much.

“nah, i’ll let you off that hook for now. but if you go another two years without contact, i will definitely consider that option.”

“Oh, thank god. It would be a shame to trade such a good relationship for such a shitty place. And I did keep in touch! Texting counts, right?”

“no, button, texts don’t count. they never have and they never will. especially when you haven't even bothered to do that much in over 4 months." Oh, yeah. You had broken your phone a while ago and hadn't bothered getting a new one until just a few days ago. Whoops. 

"what do you have against alaska, anyway?”

“Don’t ask,” you shook your head before wandering over to the kitchen to grab yourself a glass of water. “You want anything?”

“nah, not unless you have a bottle of the good stuff in there.” He followed after you, ginning the entire way.

He knew you hated ketchup, but little did he know you always kept a bottle in your fridge. Just in case. You grabbed it and tossed it over to him before taking a large swig of water. You’re pretty sure you caught him confessing his undying love for you before downing half of the bottle.

“Well?” you asked. “If I’m not being subjected to the horror that is your crippling debt to Grillby, then what is it?”

“eh, i suppose since you were lucky enough to have this,” he waved the ketchup bottle as emphasis, “in your house, i’ll go easy on you. give me a tour of your new house and we’ll call it even.”

“A tour, huh? I suppose I can handle that.” You finished your water before making your way back over to the living room, Sans trailing behind. “First things first, this is the living room. Not too bad, considering the apartment I had before this.”

You knew you shouldn’t mess with him, but the opportunity presented itself and who were you to resist?

“Of course,” you cast an accusatory glare his way, “you would already know what my living room looks like. Breaking and entering is illegal, you know.”

Sans raised his hands in defence.

“hey, now. i didn’t do any breaking, i just entered.”

“Mhm. Still trespassing on private property, you ass.”

“well, i suppose it’s a good thing that i’ve got some connections then.” The bastard winked.

You picked up one of the decorative pillows from your couch and chucked it at him. He caught it with little effort and gave you that look. Oh no.

“whoa, throwing the fancy pillows at your guest?”

“Sans, no-”

Sans, yes.

“that’s sofa-king rude.”

You groaned helplessly at his pun. Why did you put up with him again? His grin widened at your groan, his eye sockets crinkling. Oh, yeah. That’s why.

“Two years go by and this is what you make me go through? This is part of my penance, isn’t it?”

“you know it.”

Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you led him to the hallway next.

“The rest of the house is, uh, pretty boring. There’s a bathroom to your right, a spare bedroom to your left, and my bedroom is down on the far right.”

“uh-uh. no way you’re getting off the hook that easy. you promised a full tour, and that’s what i’m gunna get.”

Sans made his way over to the spare bedroom and took his time poking around before moving onto the bathroom. He threw a few more puns around before reaching your bedroom. Taking a peek inside, he smirked.

“i see you’ve gotten no better at cleaning your room.”

“You’re one to talk, tornado boy. At least I don’t have-” Your sentence trailed off as your eyes travel past him and into your room.

Oh, shit, no.

Life was cruel. And apparently, life was just out to absolutely destroy you today because there on the floor, not fully hidden under your bed, was that damn dildo. You had hoped that Sans wouldn’t catch on, but his eye-lights followed your line of vision anyway. The previous praises you had sent to the gods had instantly turned into every curse you could think of.

“oh my god,” he choked out in absolute mirth. “you cannot still have that thing. you still have that thing?!”

Sounding way more excited then he had the right to be, he started beelining his way to the edge of your bed. You could hear the pure joy in his laugh as your face slowly began to turn a dark shade of red.

“i still remember the day i gave this to you! holy shit, i forgot all about it!”

To your horror, he bent down and

p i c k e d i t u p.

With no other options, you did your best to keep a passive face. Being trained in the police force, you were a bit proud to say that you were fantastic at holding yourself together. You would kick ass at poker… if you had known how to play.

Sans turned towards you, that horrible gleam back in his eye lights.

“so.”

Oh, god he knew.

“after all this time, you still have it tucked away?”

He HAD to know.

“what, you use it as a paperweight or something?”

He.... Didn’t know. You felt your heart hammering away in your chest at the horror show you had nearly avoided.

“nah, let me guess, you use it as a weapon, right? fend off any intruders by waving it around at them?” He waggles it in your direction and you had to do your absolute best not to let the scream of agony get past your lips.

“Sans, you know I’m a trained officer, right? I’m not going to use a dildo for that.”

“eh, you never know." The pause he left gave you plenty of reason to grow concerned. "you know what it would be good for?” he questioned after a moment.

You mentally prepared yourself for whatever hell was about to happen.

“No, Sans,” you sighed, crossing your arms. “What would it be good for?” You hoped to god your voice is as steady as you had meant it to be.

“practicing oral.”

A blue tongue lolled out from his open jaws and he stuck the dildo inside of his mouth. Your eyes widened in absolute horror.

You were not mentally prepared.

The scream you had holding back escaped your mouth in as a weak screech. You brought your hands to your face to try to hide your beet red cheeks. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. 

Goddamnit all.

You peeked in between your fingers just in time to see his face twist from highly amused to total confusion. You could’ve cried.

A heavy silence dragged between you as he silently removed the dildo from his mouth in favor of just staring at you. His face was a mix of horrified and baffled. What would one even say in a situation like this?

“U-um-”

“you used it?” His voice was hoarse.

You ducked your head in shame and nodded, not able to trust your own voice.

“but... you… and the…” He slowly let the horn fall from his grasp and onto the floor. Honestly, you were just relieved that he was no longer touching it.

You managed out a weak ‘sorry’.

“why the hell didn’t you wash it?!”

If you weren’t mortified before, you sure as hell were now. How, exactly, were you going to explain that to him? Tell him the truth? You were way too sober for this. Dragging your hands down your face, you huffed out a breath.

“Why the hell did you lick it?!” You shot back at him.

“well, for starters, i figured you weren’t the kind of person to just not clean your toys! also, why were you using this one?!”

You threw your hands up and shouted back, “Because I wasn’t done using it, you asshole!”

You really hadn’t meant to say that. A snarky comeback about your organizational issues? Sure. But not that. Anything but that.

Another awkward silence followed and Sans let himself sink down onto the edge of your bed, looking utterly defeated. His quiet voice was almost drowned out by your pounding heart in your ears.

“i suppose a unicorn dildo could make someone pretty horny.”

What was he-?

“i guess you don’t horse around when it comes to this kind of thing, eh?”

Oh, you were going to murder him.

“i gotta say, it doesn’t seem like you’re in a whinny-ing situation right now.”

“Get the fuck out of my room.”

Sans shrugged and stood up. You weren’t exactly sure how he looked so calm as he strode out of your room, but there he was, anyway. That smug bastard. You followed after him, making sure to close your door fully this time.

The two of you found yourselves sitting on the couch avoiding eye contact at any and all cost. You had some shitty romcom on the tv to fill the silence. Previous attempts at conversation had died very quickly and you weren’t sure how to fix any of it.

You sighed, overwhelmed with the fact that your best friend probably thought you were some sort of freak. You couldn’t let this go on. Taking a deep breath, you decided to hit the dead horse a bit more. No pun intended.

“We should probably talk about this.”

Sans stopped pretending to stare at the tv in favor to glance over at you.

“talk about what? that you still have the dildo i gave you as a prank? or that you use it? or that you were in the middle of-”

“All of it, I guess!” You felt the red creeping back up your face. “I just don’t want this awkwardness between us, y’know?” You fiddled with the hem of your shirt. “It’s suffocating,” you added, a bit more tentatively.

You saw him shift out of the corner of your eye and felt a weight against your shoulder. Looking over, you realized that he was resting against you.

“don’t overthink so much, button. stress isn’t a good look on you. i don’t hate you for any of this. shit happens, you know? it’s fine. weird, but fine. so stop giving me that look alright?”

You felt your eyes start to tear up from all of the repressed emotions of the day. Wouldn’t it just figure that you’d have an emotional breakdown now of all times. Sans noticed your small sniffle and tensed up.

“oh, come on,” he said, turning to face you fully, “that’s not allowed. nope, no tears.” He cupped your jaw in a bony hand and wiped at the wetness on your cheeks. “don’t make me break out the puns again.”

You shook your head and managed a half laugh, though it came out sounding more like a choked back sob.

“no? well, shit, there goes my only plan. come on, i’m desperate here.” He paused, thinking something over. “would it help if i told you about the time paps caught me messing around in the living room?”

You balked at him.

“Excuse me, what?” Your voice was cracking, but Sans ignored it.

“yeah, he wasn’t supposed to come home since he was having a sleepover with frisk. but i guess the kid got sick, so paps headed back. and there i was on the couch watching porn on the tv. that was an awkward explanation. heh. i don’t think he looked me in the eyes for a whole week after that.”

You couldn’t help the burst of laughter that escaped you.

“Holy shit, Sans! Why were you in the living room to begin with? Exhibitionist much?”

“fuck no! listen, i bought a new dvd and i don’t have a tv in my room. so… i figured it’d be fine! paps was gone and i was bored!”

You felt another burst of hysterical laughter bubbling up inside of you. God, he was weird.

“Thanks, Sans. I suppose that did make me feel a little bit better. If only for the fact that you’re just as strange as I am.”

A strange look crossed his face and, for a moment, you thought for sure he was going to say something more. Instead, he simply shrugged and leaned back against the couch, the respectable distance between you gone. 

You started to focus back on the rom-com. You both cracked a few jokes at the cheesy movie, the silence in between shifting to more comfortable than awkward.

During a set of particularly boring commercials, Sans shifted. Glancing over at him, it looked like he was hesitating. Perhaps it had to do with what he wanted to say earlier? You were getting curious, but you decided not to push the topic.

Another minute passed before he spoke up.

"so... you know that it glows in the dark, right?"

Wait... what?

“It… Glows?” The confusion was evident on your face.

"ah, yeah. that was... kind of the other half of the joke when i gave it to you? because, you know, my magic... it's blue and all, so..."

His face was completely blue at this point, and to be frank, you doubted you were doing much better yourself. Hadn’t you two just gotten over this awkwardness?

"Blue... Magic...." You echoed after him, unable to think of anything appropriate to say to that. "Oh my God, Sans... You have a blue dick, don't you?"

"well, y-yeah, but... wait, you've been using it for how long and you've never once noticed that it glows?!"

"Well excuse me for never having the time to masturbate at night! Some of us have regular sleep schedules, you know! I have to be up super early for work! You know that!"

You never thought that this was a conversation that you would be having with your best friend. First, he licked your dildo. Then just came out and said that he bought it to look like his own blue dick? You needed a drink.

“Wait… Does that mean... your dick glows?” You snorted. 

“what? got a problem with a magical dick? that seems pretty rude considering you’re the one getting off with a unicorn horn. that also glows blue.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong.

“I wasn't really aware of that last bit, though,” you grumbled. “Besides, you're changing the subject.”

“is it so wrong to want to move on from the discussion topic that is the color of my penis that i’m having with my best friend in the year of our lord 20XX?”

You groaned and shoved him over to the other side of the couch.

“You’re right. This is too weird of a conversation, and I refuse to take part in it any longer.” You took a moment to look at the clock hanging on the wall. “Don’t you have a job to get to, anyways?”

Sans followed your gaze to the clock and shrugged.

“i suppose I technically do.” Instead of standing and making for the door, he wriggled his way around to throw his legs up into your lap, his eyes closing.

“Ah, Sans? That was me being nice giving you an out to this shitty conversation.”

“yeah, and?” Sans had the beginnings of that stupid grin he got right before telling a joke. You decided to one-up him.

“And I suppose if you don’t leave, that gives me free rein to ask all of the questions I want.”

“what’re you talking-?”

“So,” you drew out, running a finger up his shin bone, “is it the same length as the dildo, too? How about the girth?”

You saw the fear enter into his eyes. He swung his legs back over onto the floor and stood up.

“nope, nuh-uh.”

“Oh, come on, Sansy!” You let sweetness drip off of every word like poison. “I thought there were no secrets among friends. Plus, since you’re so clearly willing to skip out on work, we should spend this time getting to know each other better!” You stuck out your bottom lip, trying so very hard not to laugh.

You watched as Sans nearly tripped over himself trying to slowly back away from you and towards the front door. He reached one hand behind him to fumble with the doorknob.

“yeah, well, nice seeing you again, button. but duty calls and all that...”

You cracked and a shit-eating grin took over your face. God, he was so easy to back into a corner sometimes. He may be good at puns, but his escape route needed work.

“Oh, shut up, Sans.” You stood up and walked over to him, grabbing a piece of paper and pen on the way. You paused to write down your phone number before handing it over to him.“Go to work and text me later when you’re done being weird. We should hang out again, soon. And by soon, I don’t mean in two years.”

“heh. yeah, sure. whatever you want, button.” He reached over to pull you into a hug. “just... don’t go disappearing on us all again, alright? i know paps would love to hear from you again. same goes for frisk. the squirt really misses you.”

You nodded, giving him one last hug before he pulled away. Saying a few parting words, you watched as he blipped off into nothing.

Walking back to the kitchen, you decided to make some coffee, making a mental note to reach out to Papyrus and Frisk tomorrow.

It wasn’t until later that night as you were getting ready for bed you received a text.

_‘Mines much bigger.’_


	2. No Puns Allowed in the Blanket Fort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit guys! Almost 300 notes on the first chapter?! Yall are nuts. I love you. Also, I have a Discord now! Come join the unicorn family [here!](https://discord.gg/Cx39jrE) Be aware that it's an 18+ server.
> 
> Also, a huge shout out to [FabulousNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulousNerd/profile) for betaing this chapter! God bless your wonderful face. I love you.

The next few weeks had passed far too quickly for your taste. You had very adamantly ignored Sans’ text and instead asked for Papyrus and Frisk’s phone numbers. After making another stupid pun, he relented and gave them to you.

You had dedicated a good few hours chatting away with them over video chat. Thankfully even after all this time, you could still understand sign language. It was a huge bonus in your line of work as well.

After promising them both you would visit soon, you had spent the rest of the weekend cleaning up the house. As much as you hated to admit it, Sans calling you out for being a slob drove you to at least try to make the place look presentable. That and you wanted to prove the asshole wrong.

As the next work week came and went, so did loads of paperwork and stress. It seemed as though the whole department was in chaos with new cases piling up more than usual. Lately, it seemed like missing person files passed your desk more often than the others.

Before you knew it, it was Friday and you were still hard at work, already at 4 hours of overtime for the day. You stifled a yawn, trying your hardest to read the words in front of you as they blurred in and out of focus.

You stretched and stood up, deciding to go grab another cup of coffee from the break room. You could have put these last few assignments off until Monday, but you were a stickler for being a bit ahead of your work schedule.

While waiting for the coffee pot to do its thing, you felt your phone buzz in your pocket. It was a text from sans.

Sans: hey u comin tonight

You winced. In the midst of the chaos at work, you had forgotten all about the small gathering at Sans’ place. Really, only Frisk, Sans, and Papyrus would be there, but you still wanted to get reacquainted with your old friends.

You looked at the clock and saw it was already 6 pm. Well shit.

Silently berating yourself, you shot off a quick message to Sans saying you’re still at work, but if you left soon you might be able to make it even if it was a bit late.

You took your cup of coffee, taking a few careful sips while you hurried back to your desk to finish up for the night. You felt your phone go off again but didn’t bother to stop to look. You would be on your way out soon enough.

You logged out of your computer, locked your gun away, and finally headed out to the parking lot. About halfway there, you felt a prickling on the back of your neck. You saw a shadow out of the corner of your eye and had to bite back a groan.

You were tired. Was it so much to ask to not have to deal with assholes tonight?

Slowly, your right hand drifted down to your gun holster, undoing the clip. You knew your gun wasn't actually there, but people tended to shy away at the aspect of one. You placed your hand on the hilt of where your gun would be resting as the shadow came up closer behind you. You took a steadying breath.

“I know you’re there. Don’t try anything funny, I have a weapon.”

“jeeze, button, is that the way you greet all your friends?”

You turned to glare at the skeleton.

“Dammit, Sans!” Your breath escaped you in a rush of relief. “Don’t scare me like that!”

“me scare you? i think you got it a bit backward there, button. you’re the one with the supposed weapon. though i gotta say, you're not as convincing when I can see the empty holster beforehand.” Sans closed the distance between you and flicked you lightly on the forehead. “didn’t you get my text?” he continued. “i told you i’d pop by and give you a lift to my place. save you the long ass drive.”

Bringing your phone out of your jacket, you realized that was indeed what the message said. You supposed you only had yourself to blame for that one.

“Shit, Sorry, Sans… I was so focused on leaving, I didn’t even think about your shortcuts.”

“heh, i suppose it has been a few years since i’ve taken you on one. don’t worry about it. anyways, you want to head out?”

“Yeah! Though…” You glanced over at your car a few rows over. “Do you mind if we drop my car off at my place first? I don’t exactly feel like coming back here on my day off to pick it up.” God knows you had already spent enough time here as it was. You stifled another yawn.

Sans nodded and held out his hand. You looked at it. He looked at you.

“keys.”

“Keys?”

“yep. not gunna let you drive with how tired you look. how many hours did you even put in this week?”

“About fifty…” You fished around in your pockets for your keys and tossed them to Sans before a thought struck you.

“You… do know how to drive, right? I don't think I've ever seen you in a car, let alone controlling one.” And wasn’t that just a terrifying thought. 

“yep. paps insisted that i had to take driving lessons sometime after you left. something about my duty as a citizen.”

Well, you supposed that was good enough. You only lived about ten minutes away, anyway.

“Alright, but if you break my car, I break you, got it?”

“yeah, yeah got it. you should really give those threats of yours _arrest_.”

It took you a solid minute before you noticed the pun and another three seconds to consider smacking him upside the head. Nope. You refused to give him the satisfaction of laughing at a pun about your workplace. You got into the car without another word.

“what?” He antagonized, sliding into the car and starting it up. “i feel like you rely on them as a _cop_ ing mechanism a bit too much.”

You were pretty sure you had an extra set of handcuffs in your dash…

“and i gotta say, i’m not very _policed_ that you’re taking your issues out on me.”

Yeah, they should be right under the stack of napkins. They might get him to shut up if you threaten him with them.

Well.

That wasn't where you had meant your thoughts to travel to. You heard Sans sigh in defeat.

“fine, tough crowd. but, seriously, i'm gonna need some direction here. i have no clue where I'm headed.”

“...Wait. But you've been to my house.”

“yeah?”

“And you very obviously know where my workplace is.”

“i think i’m missing the point here…”

“How do you not remember where it is?”

“heh. well, i've teleported to your house. and i've teleported here. but if I'm being honest, i haven't been anywhere in between. this city is confusing as hell.”

You rolled your eyes. That made a bit more sense. You gave him the directions and decided that you were really going to need to show him around at some point.

After getting home, you made a beeline to your room to grab something more suitable to wear. You heard Sans snickering and chose to ignore it. Asshole.

“hey,” you heard him holler from the other room, “did you clean?”

“Yep! Not sure how I managed to find the time, but I did it!”

You finished changing into some jeans and a sweatshirt before heading out of your room to meet up with Sans.

It was about 6:30 pm when you blipped in front of Sans’ house. You took a moment to look around. It seemed so strange being back after all this time away. The front door burst open as Frisk rushed out and wrapped their arms around your legs.

“Hey there, squirt! Missed you too!” You gave them a huge hug, before drawing back a bit to watch as they signed to you frantically. 

‘-ans said you were coming! Papyrus and I already have the fort all set up!’

“Whoa, easy there! One thing at a time, alright?” You chuckled at their eagerness. “Why don’t we head inside and see Papyrus first, hm?” You looked up to see Papyrus standing by the door looking like Christmas had come early.

“HUMAN!” He hurried off the porch to greet you. “I AM GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT! I WAS STARTING TO THINK THAT YOU HAD BECOME AS LAZY AS SANS!”

“Papyrus, you know I’m a cop, right?” You quirked an eyebrow at him.

“WELL… YES?”

“That means I don’t have time to be lazy.”

“THAT NEVER SEEMED TO STOP MY BROTHER! AND HE WAS A SENTRY!”

“Don’t worry, Paps,” you chuckled, “I don’t think I’ll ever manage to reach that level of small-mindedness.”

“wow, what a low bar you’ve set for yourself.”

“Well, I’d hate to come up short-handed. Looks like you need to reach for higher standards.”

You saw Papyrus’ eye twitch as he caught up with the punning. You weren’t typically one to play along, but it always seemed more fun when you weren’t the target. You had the decency to at least feel a little sorry for Papyrus.

“ENOUGH. FRISK AND I WILL BE HEADED INSIDE BEFORE YOU TAINT THEIR INNOCENT EARS WITH SUCH SAVAGERY. YOU TWO CAN JOIN US WHEN YOU DECIDED TO BEHAVE YOURSELVES.” He turned on his heel and hauled a protesting Frisk back into the house, Sans snickering all the while.

“This is why we can’t have anything nice, Sans.” You lightly smacked him on the arm and headed in after Papyrus and Frisk.

“what? you’re the one who started it. don’t act like i’m the only one to blame here.”

“I can and I will. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to need another cup of coffee if I have any chance of keeping up with those two tonight.”

Stepping into the house, you kicked off your shoes and headed straight for the kitchen. You heard Sans grumble something behind you about it being his house, but you paid him no mind. Coffee first.

As you were watching the first few drops of your life source drip down into the pot, Frisk scampered into the kitchen and pulled at your hand. Looking down at them, you notice them gesturing towards the living room.

“Let me guess, you want to show me around the fort, huh?”

At Frisk’s eager nod, you found yourself being pulled away from your coffee. You bit back a protest with an internal sigh and followed them- your coffee could wait a while longer.

You blinked in surprise as you walked into the living room. Well. What used to be the living room, anyways. The furniture had all been moved in strategic places to help support the massive tent made out of blankets.

“Wow, Frisk. Did you guys do this all today?” You had to say, you were pretty impressed.

‘Yep! Papyrus helped move the heavy stuff. They wouldn’t have been so heavy if Sans wouldn’t have been laying on them.’ You rolled your eyes at the typical Sans behavior. Frisk led you over to what you assumed to be the entrance. There was an entire door propped up next to the tent.

‘You gotta know the secret knock to get inside,’ Frisk explained. They knocked a set pattern on the wood and Papyrus stuck his head out from where the blankets overlapped.

“AH. HUMAN, FRISK, COME IN. EVERYTHING IS ALMOST READY TO BEGIN.” With that, he disappeared back into the massive fort. You lower yourself to your knees to follow after him, and your jaw hits the floor.

Inside, the fort seemed even bigger than it had on the outside. The floor was littered with pillows and even more blankets. Sure, you couldn’t quite stand inside, but it was luxurious all the same.

And… How the hell had they fit the whole T.V. in here? Papyrus was fiddling with the remote while Frisk fashioned themselves a couch made of pillows.

“THERE, THAT SHOULD DO IT! NOW WE CAN FINALLY BEGIN!”

You didn’t even have to question what he had meant by that. It used to be a tradition you two had- every once in a while you would spend the night to watch MTT movies. Usually, Papyrus would fall asleep somewhere in the midst of the second movie and you would spend the rest of the night chatting away with Sans about anything and everything.

A light knock brought you out of your daydream.

“yo, can i come in yet?”

Papyrus and Frisk looked at each other before Frisk scrambled back to the fort entrance.

“what do you mean ‘no’? … well it’s not my fault you two never taught me the password. … listen, i was busy at the time! a guy’s gotta get his beauty sleep, ya know. … alright, but when button over there starts getting cranky, it’ll be your fault for not letting me give her the coffee.”

That was all you needed to hear before scurrying over to join Frisk.

“H-hey, Frisk. So, listen. Maybe we could cut him some slack this one time?”

Frisk shot you an unamused look before shaking their head no.

“But…” You tried your hardest to think of a good reason. “I missed him too!” you blurted. “I want to spend this night with all of us together! Just like old times.” You gave Frisk your best sad face. ‘That and the asshole brought me coffee and he is a god right now’ you silently added to yourself.

Frisk seemed to take a good while to think about it before slowly giving a small nod and moving away from the doorway. You slid in front of Sans before he could fully enter.

“No. Not yet.” You crossed your arms, giving him your menacing face.

“wait, i thought you were on my side?”

“Mm. Give me the coffee first. Then you can come in.” You held out your hand expectantly and held back a triumphant grin when he handed it over.

“better now, your highness?”

“Ask me again once the coffee is actually inside of me. Until then, you can go sit over there. No puns or I’ll kick you back out.”

Sans sighed and made his way over to the makeshift couch, defeated.

You joined him soon enough, coffee still in your grasp. Papyrus and Frisk had settled down as well, both eager for the movie to begin.

The time flew much quicker after that and, as always, Papyrus was fast asleep mid second movie. Frisk, stubborn as they were, had lasted a bit longer, almost making it to the end. The pair were propped up against each other, sleeping away contently.

You looked over at Sans who had fallen asleep ten minutes into the first movie. He had stretched himself out, legs sticking out of the blankets. Typical. You smiled at the sleeping skeleton all the same.

Doing your best to be as quiet as possible, you slipped out of the fort. The coffee had done its job and you were starting to think you shouldn't have had quite so much.

After making a pit stop in the bathroom you notice some old pictures hanging up in the hallway. Most were of Frisk and Papyrus, no doubt productions from previous sleepover selfies. There were a few of Alphys and Undyne, but the one that caught your eye was further down.

In the bottom right of the collection, there was the photo you had taken with Sans. It was nothing fancy; the two of you had been messy to say the least. The both of you had spent the better half of the day helping Toriel start a flower bed in her backyard.

It had been a hot day and you had snuck up behind Sans and dumped your bottle of water on him. After his initial shock wore off, an outright war had begun.

You hadn't stood a chance against the water hose, though. You had ended up pleading for mercy when he turned the water nozzle to the jet setting.

You had nabbed Sans’ phone from his pocket (thank God it was waterproof) and decided to snap a quick photo.

So, there you were, both drenched in water and mud splatters still caked onto your skin, both grinning like madmen. You smiled fondly at the memory.

“i don’t mean to _exposure_ my _selfie_ so suddenly, but you look awfuly distracted. whatcha lookin at?”

You jumped and spun around, eyes wide and a hand to your pounding chest. It seemed you were losing your touch with this sort of thing. You hadn't jumped that much around him since you had first learned he could teleport.

“Shit… Why aren't you asleep like any other moment in your life?”

“eh. insomnia's a bitch.”

You quirked an eyebrow. Him? Have insomnia? Seemed fake, but okay. You decided not to question it.

“so,” he continued, looking past you and at the wall of photos, “taking a trip down memory lane? you couldn't have chosen to do that at a more normal time of day?”

“Nah,” you sigh and rubbed at the back of your neck. “Memories have a way of showing up at the worst of times.”

You could have sworn you saw him grimace, but at your second glance, his lazy smile was right back in place, albeit looking a bit fake.

“yeah, they do that.” He paused for a moment before gesturing to the stairs. “you wanna go up to the roof? been a while since we've been up there.”

You nodded your head and followed him upstairs and into his bedroom. As he made his way over to his window leading to the roof, you took a moment to snoop around. A satisfied grin settled on your face as you took in the mess.

“And you told me I was the messy one.” You headed over to his closet, shoving piles of clothes out of the way as you walked. Looking inside, you scoffed. “I mean, seriously, have you ever thrown a box away in your life?” Packages for what seemed like everything were shoved into the tiny walk-in closet.

“honestly, probably not.”

You rolled your eyes and started to sort through them, not noticing Sans’ hesitant look he was giving you.

“Let's see… We’ve got takeout boxes, gross by the way, the box your last phone came in, all of your console boxes… and…” You trailed off as a particular box came into view at the very back of the closet. It was longer than the others you had seen and extremely colorful. However, the color wasn’t what had caused you to pause. It was what the box originally contained.

A bright, rainbow-colored, glow in the dark unicorn dildo.

You turned to face him slowly, holding the package in question.

“Ah… Sans?”

“...yep?”

“Why do you have the box to my dildo in here?”

“...heh.”

“Sans.”

“yep.”

“Are you going to answer the question or not?”

You could see him sweating bullets and avoiding eye contact at all costs.

“i just never bothered to toss it out, that’s all.”

You could tell that it was a blatant lie, but you bit your tongue. As curious as you were, you really didn’t want to have another night overrun by embarrassing confessions. You were determined to have at least a few hours of normalcy between you and your best friend. 

“Uhuh.” You tossed the box back into the closet and headed for the window. “Well, that’s enough of that. Let’s go.”

Sans seemed a bit stunned at the sudden change of pace but was more than willing to go along with it. The two of you climbed your way out of the window and stepped out onto the roof.

The sky was full of stars out here. It's not that you minded living in the city, but having such overcast nights made you feel so claustrophobic sometimes. You took a deep breath of crisp air. Sans appeared by you holding a blanket in his hand.

“I'm shocked you could even find one of those,” you laughed. “I thought for sure Frisk and Papyrus had used every blanket within a mile radius to make that thing.”

“heh. i don't doubt that for a second. luckily for us, i have a secret stash for emergencies.”

Sans grinned and spread the blanket out on top of the rough shingles. You had a feeling his 'emergencies’ were mainly for your stargazing sessions the two of you so often had back then.

You took a seat next to Sans, leaning back against the window sill as you gazed up towards the sky. Stars glistened and twinkled, the nearly full moon illuminating the night. You sat in silence for the most part, almost afraid to break the calm atmosphere.

Sans pointed out some of the lesser known constellations, seeming lost in his love for space. It didn't come as a surprise, he had always been passionate about this sort of thing. You had even bought him a high-end telescope a year or so after meeting him. You had honestly thought he was going to start crying when he saw it.

Somewhere in the midst of his ramblings your eyes had drifted shut, lulled by his soft monotone voice. You vaguely remembered thinking how you never wanted this feeling to end as you slowly drifted off to sleep.


	3. One Time is One Time Too Many

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sobbing* guys pls... mercy... I can only handle so much love before I explode. Thank you for all the kudos and every single wonderful comment!
> 
> In other news, it has occurred to me that I never linked the true inspiration behind this fanfic. Well, let me present to you [_the unicorn dildo_](https://bad-dragon.com/products/mystic). No, I don't own one, but dammit someday I'm going to get one and stick it right up on my dresser as a magical memento.
> 
> As always, thank you to [FabulousNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulousNerd/profile) for betaing this chapter along with giving me some FANTASTIC ideas! And even MORE thanks to [TearStainedAshes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearStainedAshes/pseuds/TearStainedAshes) for going over this mess with me and setting my brain straight (or as straight as it can go, anyway)! I don't deserve you guys.
> 
> Come join the unicorn family [here!](https://discord.gg/Cx39jrE) Please be aware that it's an 18+ server!

You woke up to something poking your cheek. Groaning, you tried to swat away whatever it was to get some more sleep. The poking continued and soon escalated into squishing your face in general. You huffed and cracked open your eyes only to be greeted with blinding sunlight. Squeezing your eyes back shut you immediately regretted everything.

“Frisk, _why,_ ” you half groaned, half whined. Very cautiously you opened your eyes again, letting yourself adjust to the brightness. Frisk was standing above you and you caught some very anger driven gestures about not sleeping in the fort. You sat up, rubbing at your eyes.

“Frisk, you do know it’s next to impossible for me to understand anything this early in the morning, right?”

They rolled their eyes and decided to move onto bugging Sans who was still sound asleep. You took the brief moment of freedom to rub at your aching neck. Sleeping on the roof probably wasn’t one of your greater ideas, but it was far from the first time that it happened. You heard Sans grumbling protests at Frisk as they nudged him in the ribs with their foot.

You stifled a laugh and Frisk turns their angry gaze to you.

‘You owe me.’

“Owe you?” Your voice was still heavy with sleep and you were sure you needed a pot of coffee. “Owe you what, exactly?”

‘Since you spent the whole night up here with Sans and instead of having a sleepover with me and Papyrus...” They paused for a moment, thinking. ‘I want to go to the park today,’ they decided with a nod.

“the park, eh?” Sans chimed in. You looked over in time to see Sans stretching, his white t-shirt riding up, exposing part of his pelvis and spine. You thought about calling him out for showing too much skin… bone… in front of the kid.

You decided to ignore him instead.

“Well, I suppose I should make it up to you…” Frisk gave you an unamused nod. “Yeah, yeah, I'll take you to any park you want. Pick your poison, kid.”

‘I want to see your city,’ they signed without hesitation. ‘Sans said it's super big!’ 

“Well,” you started, sending an accusatory glance in Sans’ direction, “he's not wrong. But it can also be dangerous. I know you're used to being able to wander places because you know everyone out here in the country. In the city, though, it's very easy to get lost.”

The light in Frisk's eyes only seemed to get brighter. It wasn't as if you wanted to tell them no, but you know how they were with exploring. Sighing, you tried again.

“You know that you won't be able to wander away, right?” A nod. “And even at the park you'll have to stay in both Sans’ and my line of view?” Another nod, a bit more eager. “... Alright.”

“alright?” you heard Sans ask in a surprised tone as Frisk started hopping excitedly.

“Why not? It's not like there are two better people to look after them. I mean, if anything were to happen you can teleport. And I'm a cop. It'll be fine.”

Sans groaned and pulled the blanket back over his head. You stood up, stretching your poor back.

“Alright, squirt, go get dressed. We'll make some breakfast before heading out.”

Frisk nodded and by the time you had opened your mouth to scold them for running on the roof, they had already scrambled back through the window.

You shook your head at the thought of having that much energy at any given point in the day let alone in the morning. You jammed your foot into the lump of blankets that was Sans and grinned at the responding groan.

“Come on. Up. You’re obligated to come with us.”

“over my dead body.”

Rolling your eyes, you flopped down on top of the pile making sure to put your whole weight into it. He made another satisfying groan of pain.

“Oh, don’t groan. You specifically asked for this. It’s not my fault you decided to blab to Frisk about how great the city is.”

“nngh.”

“I’m not hearing a no,” you taunted as you rolled off of him, bringing the blankets with you. He tried to hold onto them, but you managed to pry away his fingers. He practically whined at the loss of comfort.

“go away.”

“Nope, no way. You got yourself into this by encouraging them and now you must suffer with me.” You hauled him up into a sitting position. “Do I need to do the thing?”

Sans cracked an eye socket open giving you a weary look.

“what thing?”

“The thing with your ribs.” You wiggled your fingers at him and he shoved at your shoulder.

“god, no, please,” he begged as you moved in for the kill. You knew his ribs were by far the most ticklish spot on his body. You didn’t resort to it often, but when you did, you were brutal. In a matter of moments, you had Sans up, awake, and back in his bedroom. You took a moment to grab an extra set of clothes from his dresser before making your way to the bathroom to get changed.

Downstairs, Frisk and Papyrus were already in the kitchen. Papyrus seemed a bit put out when you told him that you would be the one cooking breakfast, but Frisk sent you a secret look of relief. Sans joined you eventually once everyone had finished their chocolate chip pancakes and you had a few cups of coffee in your system. You sent Frisk off to put on their coat.

“you know, i don’t think it was a great idea to give them chocolate this early,” Sans chimed in once Frisk was out of earshot. “they’re going to have way too much energy.”

“We’re going to a park,” you retorted, shrugging. “They’ll burn it off quick.”

“you better hope. else tori might have a few choice words with you.”

“I’ll just tell her that it was your idea. It’s not like she wouldn’t believe me.” You watched as Frisk plopped themselves by the door, trying to put on their shoes as quickly as they could.

“harsh.” 

“What can I say? Toriel loves me,” you said as you made your way to the front door, shrugging on your coat. Sans followed you, albeit a bit slowly.

“welp, can’t argue with that. you ready, kiddo?”

Frisk stood up and hurried over, giving a thumbs up. Sans put one hand on your shoulder and another on Frisk’s back. You closed your eyes since the feeling of teleportation always left you feeling a bit dizzy. A second later the three of you are standing right outside of your house. Right. San’s had no clue where he was.

“Well,” you began, “the good news is that the park is only about a five-minute walk from here.” Frisk grinned, taking hold of your hand, clearly ready to start walking. Sans seemed a bit more annoyed at the thought of physical activity so early in the morning but fell into step beside you. Frisk narrowed their eyes at him, pointing.

“what?”

‘You need to hold her hand!’ Frisk stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Sans’ sockets widened a bit, clearly not understanding. ‘Mom says those are the rules when walking by a road,” Frisk explained rolling their eyes.

You shared a look with Sans and shrugged. You held out a hand to him, wiggling your fingers, smirking.

“Them’s the rules, bestie.”

Another exasperated look later, Sans, Frisk, and you were all hand in hand, walking down the sidewalk. Other than a few strange looks from the odd passersby, the walk was very uneventful. The most unsettling part was the feeling of Sans’ boney hand in your own fleshy one. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t held his hand before, but those had been for very brief moments of interaction like teleportation. This seemed to be a whole new ball game.

As the park came into sight, you tightened your grip on Frisk’s hand.

“Remember what I said, okay?”

Frisk nodded and slipped their hand out from yours, smiling. Naturally, as soon as they crossed into the park they made a beeline for the swings. You freed your hand from Sans’ and made your way over to one of the benches along the side.

Spring was definitely in the air and the sun was casting down a blessed warmth which was mildly surprising given how it wasn’t even noon yet.

The park itself was somewhat quiet for a Sunday morning. There were a few families scattered about having picnics or playing, but overall you assumed most people would still be attending church.

Your eyes picked up on Frisk talking with a young boy about their age. You smiled and waved at them when Frisk pointed you out to the kid. He had a lopsided grin that showed off his missing front teeth and freckles practically covered his whole face. As the two of them started up a game of tag, you nudged Sans in the side who had drifted back off to sleep.

“Looks like Frisk made a new friend.”

“hn. ‘s great.”  
“Mhm. You do know you’re supposed to be helping me, right?”

“mhm. but you look like you got it all _under cover_.”

“...Was that seriously the best you could come up with?”

“eh, gimme a break. it’s too early to function.”

Rolling your eyes, you settled yourself to watch the kids play for another hour or so before calling for Frisk. They took their new friend by the hand and brought him over as well. He seemed much shyer now that he was meeting new people.

‘This is Joey!’ Frisk signed with a grin. ‘He’s my new friend. Can we play longer? Please?’ They gave you their best pout. You hesitated for a moment then shook your head, softly.

“Not today, squirt,” you said, sparing a glance at Sans. “Uncle Sans here might fall out of his seat if he stays still for much longer.” At Frisk’s downcast look, you offer a solution. “Hey,” you smiled, addressing Joey, “how about you go let your parents know we want to talk to them? Maybe we can set up a time for you two to hang out together next weekend.”

Joey and Frisk seemed to perk up at the idea and rushed off to find his parents. A minute later, they returned leading a human couple close behind. They seemed to tense up when they realized one of Frisk’s babysitters was a monster but loosened up after Sans introduced himself with a cringy pun.

It turned out that Joey’s parents, Jack and Sandra, were fairly nice people, after all. Sandra was a nurse at the local hospital and Jack had a job at one of the mechanic places downtown. The four of you chatted for a bit, giving Frisk and Joey a few more minutes of play time. In the end, you decided to set up the playdate for next Saturday. Jack had mentioned that he would be at work, but Sandra was more than happy to fill in for him.

You watched with a fond smile as Frisk waved goodbye to Joey and his parents. It was nice seeing Frisk get along with someone else their age for once. Being the ambassador really took a toll on their social life even at such a young age. Being an eight year old had enough challenges of its own. They really deserved a break once in a while.

‘I liked him,’ Frisk smiled. ‘Even though he didn’t understand sign language, he was still super nice.’

That took you by surprise.

“He didn’t understand what you were saying? How did you manage to befriend him?”

‘Not a word! But it’s not so hard to understand basic pointing and stuff, so I just did that. It worked for the most part. Plus I got to teach him some signs! He really liked that.’

You were pretty sure your heart melted. Frisk grinned up at you as they took Sans’ hand, getting ready to head home.

‘you ready, kiddo?’ he asked, ruffling their hair. Frisk stuck their tongue out at him as they tried to smooth it back out, but nodded. Sans turned his attention back to you. ‘tori is probably wondering where the kid is so i’ll be back in a sec to take ya home.”

Before you could protest, Sans was gone. You really didn’t need an escort home, but you knew Sans would be annoyed if you headed out without him. Sighing, you decided to hang around, knowing it wouldn’t take him too long. You leaned against one of the streetlights, minding the paper attached to it. A few minutes later you saw the telltale sign of Sans’ blue magic forming.

“heh, sorry, tori had me by the goat for not having Frisk home by six. somethin’ about a meeting or whatnot. eh, anyway, you ready?”

“A meeting? Oh, dammit Sans, that’s probably important, why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“must’ve slipped my mind. you know how i am- being a numbskull and all that.” You resisted the reoccurring urge to smack him. “‘sides, they still have time to make the meeting, so it’s all good.”

You contemplated that before giving up. There was an easier form of punishing him than trying to use words.

“You’re right, I’m sure they’ll be fine. We should start heading back, though. My favorite show comes on in a bit and I don’t want to miss it.” As Sans reached for your hand, you pulled away and started walking down the sidewalk.

“ah, where are you going?” The confusion in his voice was almost too sweet to take and you shot him a devious look.

“Home,” you supplied.

“...right. but i can teleport us there.”

“Mhm, sure, you could, but the sun feels so _nice_. It’d be a shame to waste your magic when it’s such a beautiful day outside.” Sans saw where you were headed and groaned.

“i hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“why would you put me through this pain, then?”

“Because, Sans, walking is good for you!”

“‘good’ doesn’t do a thing for me. i could always just leave you here.”

“Hmm… You could… But you won’t.”

“oh, yeah? what makes you so sure of that?”

“Because you loooove me,” you crooned as he rolled his eyes at you. “I’ll even let you hold my hand again if that makes you feel better.” Honestly, you just couldn’t resist teasing him once in a while.

A hand intertwined with yours as Sans caught up with you. You scoffed and tried to let go. He did not.

“what? offering comfort and immediately taking it back? that’s a bit rude there, button.” Sans shot you a wink and your jaw dropped.

This asshole.

Huffing, you gave up on prying your hand out of his, settling for walking at a slightly faster pace. If he was going to insist on being difficult, you could at least make him work for it. You could tell by the way he was dragging his feet that he didn’t appreciate your efforts.

You pushed through the awkward silence, the walk home seemed much longer than before. You supposed it might have something to do with Frisk not being there. You thanked every deity as you finally reached the front steps to your house.

“You going to come in?” you asked.

“well, yeah, it’s not like i have anything else going on,” Sans said, letting go of your hand. You pulled out your house key to unlock the door and you realized he was no longer standing next to you.

“Sans!” you called loudly enough for him to hear. “You better not be licking my dildo in there!” You opened the door just in time to see Sans sputtering on the couch.

“what the _fuck_?”

You couldn’t help but burst out laughing in the middle of the doorway, his blue face too much to handle. You managed to shut the door behind you, throwing your coat in the closet.

“Well?” you prompted. “What else am I supposed to assume you’d be doing?” God, he was too easy to work up.

“i can’t believe you. it was _one time_!” He shoved his head into one of the pillows, not hiding his blushing face not very effectively.

“Sans! One time is one time too many, dude. You’ve got to know that.”

He mumbled something in response, but you couldn’t understand a word he said. Rolling your eyes, you started hunting for the T.V. remote.

“It’s not my fault you’re weird.”

“it was supposed to be a _joke_!” he all but whined, peeking his head up from the pillow. You gave him a look.

“And, exactly, what kind of joke requires you to lick a dildo?”

“...a gag.”

Holy shit.

“it was a gag gift, so i figured i’d, you know, gag on the gag gift.”

A small smile started to crack on his face. You hated him.

“as a gag.” 

“Sans.”

“...yeah?”

“You _licked my dildo for a shitty pun_?”

“heh. yeah.”

Dammit, you were laughing. Scratch that, you were keeled over, holding your stomach with tears streaming down your face.

“Sans, what the _fuck_?” you wheezed out between gasping breaths. He was looking anywhere except your face, letting out a nervous chuckle of his own.

“well, it seemed like a good idea at the time,” he offered weakly. You wiped the tears from your eyes, shaking your head. Focus. Right, focusing. You needed to find the remote. Gathering your wits about you, you started searching again.

Five minutes later you were sure you had looked everywhere twice already. You should probably stop misplacing things. You gave up with a sigh, flopping yourself down onto the couch next to Sans. His blue face was back to being its natural white self and, honestly, he looked almost… impish.

“Sans?”

“you sure are wearing my name out tonight, button.”

“Shut up and hand it over.” You set your jaw, determined.

“hand what over?”

“ _The remote_ ,” you grit through your teeth.

“i have no idea-”

“Sans,” you cut him off, “my show starts in _three minutes_ and I swear if I’m so much as a second late I’m going to-” His laugh cut you off and he shifted to uncover the sat-on remote. You nabbed it, making sure to smack him with it before turning the T.V. on.

Luckily for him, you were just in time and he didn't have to suffer your wrath. As annoying as he was sometimes, you had to admit you wouldn’t trade him for the world.


	4. Wrapping It Up and Blowing It Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a huge thanks is in order to my two favorite editors [FabulousNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulousNerd/profile) and [TearStainedAshes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearStainedAshes/pseuds/TearStainedAshes)! You two are the best!
> 
> And thank you to, well, all of you! Yeah, you! Reading this! You guys really brighten my day with all your comments and support. Honestly, it means the world to me right now and I'm glad other people are enjoying this shitpost of a story. That being said, this shitpost is actually getting to the plot! So please mind the tags as we move forward! I will be updating them as we continue on this little journey.
> 
> Come join the unicorn family [here!](https://discord.gg/Cx39jrE) (18+)

“ya know, this would be so much easier for both of us if you would just stop lyin’ about this whole thing.” Sans was standing there in his plain white t-shirt and basketball shorts, eyeing you.

“Lying? Lying about what?” You made yourself look busy, drying the few dishes that were left at a meticulous pace. 

“button, you know i can read you like a book, right? i think it’s pretty obvious what i’m talkin’ about.”

He stopped leaning against the kitchen table and started walking towards you. Dammit, you were cornered. Quite literally. Slipping in front of you, he took the towel from your hands, slinging it over his shoulder. He placed his hands on the countertop around you, pinning you between the sink and himself. You instinctively shrunk in on yourself, not sure how you should be reacting to all of this.

What the hell was he even doing?

“Sans, I really don’t-”

“you sure do know how to push my _buttons_ , bud,” he cut you off, smirking. Seriously, what the hell?

He brought one of his hand up to cup your cheek as your brain scrambled uselessly trying to figure out what in the holy hell was happening. You had been making pancakes, hadn't you? So what on earth was Sans talking about? Also, he seemed pretty damn close to-

He leaned in capturing your lips in a kiss, officially ending that train of thought. Well, of all thought, really. After the initial shock, you gently pushed on his shoulder. He seemed reluctant to stop but pulled away nonetheless.

“What was that?” you asked, dumbfounded.

“i mean, ‘m pretty sure it was a kiss?” Sans replied sounding sheepish as hell. You let out a breathy laugh.

“Well, yeah, I got that part. But, why?”

“‘cause i think… i’ve been wanting to do that for a while now.”

“You think?”

“yeah, i dunno. it just seemed… right?”

“Oh,” was your weak response, still not sure how to react. You felt a blush creeping up your neck. “Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense.” It did not make sense.

“yeah?” Sans took on a hopeful tone and you offered him a small smile.

“I guess there’s only one way to figure it out, right?” What? What were you doing? What about the pancakes? … Fuck it.

You swore you saw stars in his eyes as you leaned in to kiss him properly this time. For a guy without lips, Sans seemed to have no trouble keeping up and you weren’t about to complain. Slowly, you started to unwind and you were able to get over how _weird_ it should be kissing your best friend.

Feeling a bit braver, you slipped a hand under his shirt making sure to avoid his notoriously ticklish ribs and going for the top of his hips instead. He groaned in response and stepped closer, putting his weight against you. You stumbled for a moment, your back bumping into the counter. Well. That was certainly an interesting response. You tried not to feel too pleased with yourself. He broke the kiss only to target your neck next, leaving a trail of nips and kisses in his wake. You gasped at the sensation thinking that you might be enjoying it all a bit too much.

“Room,” you managed out, tugging at his sleeve with your free hand. Sans grumbled, seemingly put out that he had to pause for a second. In the next moment, you were laying in your bed, your shirt off.

“How did you…” You let your voice trail off in wonder.

“Magic,” Sans supplied, wiggling his fingers.

“Hm, of course.” It seemed a bit odd, but you were too far in the moment to think properly.

He took his time exploring your stomach and breasts, never focusing on one spot for too long. Instead of feeling shy about his gaze being so locked onto you, it felt… nice. While a part of you was still trying to tell you that this was a bad idea, a really bad idea, most of your mind was begging you not to question it and just live in the moment. And, ho boy, were you living for this.

As you felt Sans’ hands clasp your breasts through your bra, you wanted nothing more than to have him flush against your skin. You opened your mouth to tell him something along those lines but you never got the chance.

A blaring noise cut through the silent atmosphere of the room and he faded away into nothing.

Your eyes snapped open as you realized that it was your morning alarm and you managed to shut it off with an unnecessary amount of force. Sitting on the edge of your bed, you officially began questioning everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.

Clearly, you were more pent up than you thought you were if you were having dreams about your best friend. Seriously though, out of all the people your mind could have chosen, why was Sans the focal point?

It had to be because of something stupid, you decided. There was just no way you could see Sans like that. He was a _skeleton_ and the last time you checked you didn’t get aroused by looking at the skeleton models in the doctor's office. So, _clearly_ , your skeleton friend was no exception. Putting all thoughts of the dream as far in the back of your mind as possible, you forced yourself to start your day.

After taking a shower, which may or may not have been a bit colder than normal, you slipped into your uniform and ate a quick breakfast. You went through your mental checklist to make sure you had everything before heading out the door.

Mondays were the worst. The rest of the department seemed to be having just as bad of a morning as you, though. Taking a detour to the break room, you made yourself a fresh cup of coffee hoping to get a bit more energy in your system. Six am really should not be a time of day.

There were a few people already talking with officers and filing reports. One lady, you noticed, was yelling at officer Shepherds. You cringed, feeling pity for him. As you walked by to head to your desk, you couldn't help but overhear part of the conversation.

“You promised me!” The woman's voice was almost at a shouting level and Shepherds was doing his best to act as a calming presence.

“Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but I didn’t promise. But please do know that my team and I are doing everything in our power to help you. We take our jobs very seriously.”

“Bullshit!” she cried. “If you were trying he would be home by now!” The woman was trembling now, and you wondered briefly if you should intervene.

“Ma’am, please-”

“No!” Her voice broke off into uneven sobs and Shepherds placed a hand gently on her shoulder. “I just want my baby boy back…”

“I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through right now, Penny, I truly can’t. I have a boy of my own and if he were to… well… I don’t know what I’d do.” He paused to clear his throat, clearly getting emotional and doing everything he could to keep it at bay. “My team and I are here for you, though. Every step of the way. And as soon as there’s news, you’ll be the first one to know, alright?”

Penny nodded shakily and you turned your focus back to your computer since she seemed to be more in control of herself. You knew it was hard for parents grieving children, especially unsolved cases, but you also knew how much pressure it can put on the officers working with them. You knew for a fact Shepherds was working his ass off trying to find any sort of lead, but, truthfully, you doubted any good news would come of it.

Honestly, two-thirds of missing people are found within the first day. And after seventy-two hours… well, the odds drop significantly. The Addams case had been assigned to Shepherds almost a week ago now, but it seemed almost wrong to give up hope now, especially when so many cases were turning up.

A few minutes later, Penny had come down from her emotional breakdown and Shepherds saw her out. When he returned, he sat down and put his head to his desk. You wheeled your way over in your chair, not bothering to stand up, and tapped lightly on the wood to alert him of your presence. He lifted his head, greeting you with tired eyes and a forced smile.

“Hey, you alright?” you asked gently. “That sounded pretty rough.”

“Yeah,” he sighed out, “that could’ve gone better. Not that I can blame her for snapping. This shit wears everyone down, you know?” You hummed your agreement and gave him a pat on the back.

“We’re gathering more evidence every day to prove the connection of these cases. They’ll slip up eventually,” you offered. “They always do.”

“Yeah, I just wish they’d hurry up already.” He fiddled with one of the pens on his desk, clearly looking for a distraction. “I hate all of this waiting around just for more bad news.”

“Don’t we all…” You gave him another pat on the shoulder before sliding back over to your own desk. A deep drink from your coffee you zoned in on your work. Mondays truly were the devil. Paperwork fell in line as a close second.

As another day ended without any excitement, you couldn’t tell if you should be relieved or annoyed. You were honestly quite thankful you would be going on patrol tomorrow. Not that you minded typing up the occasional report, but damn sitting at your desk all day always left you feeling restless.

It felt like ten years before you were back at home, feet propped up on the coffee table, flipping through the T.V. stations. You fought back a yawn but startled halfway through as your phone started ringing. Glancing at the screen you realized it was Sans. All of the unwanted thoughts from the morning came flooding back before you had a chance to stop them. Sighing, you rub at your temples and debated on just letting it go to voicemail. You knew that wasn’t fair to Sans, though. Turning the T.V. down, you answered the call in the calmest tone you could manage.

“What’s up?”

“heh, not much, really. though i was wondering if you had anything going on tomorrow after your shift? i figured i could take you up on that offer to walk around town. if you’re not busy, that is.” You blinked in surprise and tried to think.

“Ah, no? I don’t think so at least. I am on patrol tomorrow though, so I might be a bit late getting home.”

“yeah? cool. just text me when you’re home then. i’ll be over in a flash.”

You could almost see his winking face on the other end of the line. You gave an ungraceful snort.

“Yeah, yeah, I can do that.”

“sweet. i’ll see ya tomorrow, then.”

It took a few moments after hanging up to realize that the awkward feeling in your chest had disappeared at some point during your conversation and had been replaced with your normal self. You practically sighed in relief. At least, it seemed, your dreams weren’t getting in the way of reality yet.

Sleep came easily to you that night, and you awoke the next morning without any condemning dreams about Sans. At that point, you deemed it safe to assume that the dream must have been a one-off sort of thing.

Work on the other hand was… problematic. As much as you loved your job, some days left you questioning humanity as a whole.

Your shift had passed without incident other than a couple of tickets here and there. A half an hour before you were supposed to go home you were called to head to a store downtown by Grove street. You didn’t know much other than there had been an assault with attempted rape. Flipping the lights on, you made your way to the scene. Throwing the car into park, you took a deep breath and mentally prepared yourself.

Stepping out onto the asphalt, you walked over to one of your colleagues who had arrived before you to be briefed on the situation.

“Evening, boss,” Officer Allen greeted as he jotted something down in his notebook.

“You know, I still hate being called that,” you said, rolling your eyes. “What’ve you got for me?”

“Well, our vic Tracy over there was headed out of the store when she was grabbed by the arm and dragged into the alleyway. She claims that he shoved her against the side of the building and about dislocated her arm in the process. She’s being taken by ambulance right now and being treated for a split head he gave her when she was fighting back. Nothing life-threatening, but enough to shake someone up pretty damn good.”

“What about the perp?” you asked looking over in the direction of the alley. 

“Another citizen saw what was happening. As soon as he saw them calling the cops he fled. We haven’t found him yet, but we have people out looking.”

Sighing, you rubbed at your temple. You should have known better than to hope to leave work on time today. Thus was the curse of patrolling. You asked Allen a few more basic questions before he led you over to where the witness was. She looked as if she was in her mid-twenties and seemed to be retracting herself away from all of the noise and excitement surrounding her. 

“Hi, Makalah,” Allen spoke softly, “my partner and I wanted to ask a few more questions if that’s alright with you.” Makalah seemed exhausted but nodded slowly.

“Y-yeah, anything.” She tightened her jacket around herself.

“Did you get a good look at the guy who did this?” you asked. Her eyes slid closed as she thought back.

“I… Kind of? He was a taller guy and pretty buff. His hair was black. He… He was wearing a leather jacket, too. And blue jeans.” Allan was writing as she spoke, and you focused on keeping Makalah calm and focused.

“Good, good. That’s a good start. Did you notice anything about him that might make him stick out a bit more? Any scars or tattoos?”

“I… I don’t really remember, it all happened so fast. One second he was there and the next he had ran past me and down the street.” She paused and worried her bottom lip. “Do you think you’ll catch him?” You gave her a reassuring smile.

“It’s too early to say, really. But between the details we get from you and Tracy, I think we have a decent starting point.” Allen finished taking the statement and motioned he was headed over to the police car.

“Hey, um,” Makalah interjected a bit nervously, “is there a way… I mean, I live alone and…” She stammered over her words, never quite meeting your eyes. Thankfully, after a few years of dealing with these things, you could usually catch on to what people meant pretty easily.

“Let me go grab someone to take you home. I’ll explain it to them and we can send some patrol cars around your area just to keep an eye on things, alright?” You saw relief flood her eyes and she agreed hastily. It only took a few minutes before Makalah was on her way home and you could focus your attention onto the scene.

You walked into the alleyway itself and it wasn’t hard to see why the victim couldn’t escape. Other than the man being twice her size, the walls were fairly close together not leaving much room to break away. You took note of the blood on the wall where her head must have hit during the struggle. Grabbing one of the people already collecting evidence, you set them to work to find any fingerprints that might have been left behind on the wall.

A good two and a half hours later Allen tapped you on the shoulder and you stood up on your aching feet to greet him.

“Hey there, boss. How’s it looking?”

“Well, the bastard left some partial fingerprints, but I’m not sure if we’ll be able to use any of them or not… How’s the vic doing?”

“She’s pretty nervous about this whole ordeal, but she’s apparently up and walking around. They plan on releasing her soon. Speaking of, I was just about to head over there to see if she can give us any tips as to who this guy is.”

“Yeah, we should probably catch her before she heads home,” you agreed. The poor girl had enough going on and you’d feel bad having to follow her home just to interrogate her more about it.

“Now hold on,” Allen raised his hands and barked out a laugh. “I didn’t say anything about you coming along with me.”

“But-”

“Ah, nope. No way. Your shift ended almost three hours ago, didn’t it? You should go home and take a break, boss.”

You sighed but were inwardly relieved you would be able to call it a day.

“Yeah, thanks, Allen. You sure you’ve got this covered?”

“No doubt about it, boss. I'll get the paperwork started and everything.”

He gave you a pat on the shoulder as you passed and you wished him a good night. You chuckled at the sheer amount of awkward shoulder pats this day had offered you and you ran a hand through your tangled hair. Thankful that your department allowed you to take the police cars home, you headed straight for home.

Opting to take a shower to wash the dirt from your skin, you gave yourself a chance to calm down after the hectic day. You hurried to pick out a decent outfit for the evening only to wonder why you were even worried about it in the first place. Damn your intervening thoughts. You decided to throw on a shoulderless long sleeve shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. Nicer than a loose fitting shirt and jeans, but not actually considered dressy- good enough.

You text Sans about 6:45 pm and, true to his word, he showed up not ten seconds later. Opening the front door, you were about to tell him to just teleport inside your house next time when you noticed the look on his face.

“Sans? You alright?”

“ah, shouldn’t i be asking you that?”

“What do you mean?” Your eyebrows furrowed, not having a clue what he was on about.

“the police car? sitting in your driveway? also, where’s your car at?”

“Oh!” you exclaimed, realization setting in. “That’s the car I used to patrol today. I was out later than I planned to be so I just decided to bring it home. My precinct is pretty lenient when it comes to that sort of thing.” You watched as the tension left his face.

“oh, yeah, that’d make more sense. Sorry.”

You waved it off, actually flattered that he was concerned about your well being. Moving back so Sans could come inside, you took a moment to give him a once-over. You were pleasantly surprised to see him wearing a black t-shirt, some jeans in place of his usual basketball shorts, and-

“Damn, Sans, you’re actually wearing sneakers? What has this world come to?” You chuckle and throw on a pair of your own shoes, grabbing a jacket from the closet for later, just in case.

“eh, i felt like dressin’ up a little,” he said easily, shrugging his shoulders. You feigned shock, clasping a hand to your chest.

“Be still my beating heart. How dare you go to such lengths without giving me a proper warning? I don’t even know if I’m up to standard at this point.”

A smug grin took over Sans’ face as he responded with a sly, “nah, you look like you’re par for the course.”

You... weren’t sure if that was a compliment or not, but you felt a bit flustered nonetheless. What the hell were you supposed to say to that?

“You’re impossible.” Smooth.

“what, not up _fore_ some golf puns? i suppose i should stop. i wouldn’t want them to drive a _wedge_ between us.”

“Sans, I swear-”

“yeah, we should probably head out. All this _putter_ ing around is just going to make us late for dinner.” He held out a hand towards you clearly ready to head out.

“Dinner?” You couldn’t hide the curiosity in your voice as you took his hand.

“mhm. i went ahead and got us reservations to one of the restaurants around here.”

“Sans,” you chided, “you do know the whole point of this is for me to show you around, right?”

“yeah, but just ‘cause i don’t know where anything is doesn’t mean i can’t use the internet to find somewhere to eat. that’s one of the most important parts.” You couldn’t really argue with that. The world shifted and you found yourself standing at the entrance to the park.

“eh, sorry, this is the best i can do. we’ll have to walk from here.”

“Walking? You? Wow, it must be getting pretty cold in hell today.” He snorted as you started to lead him down the sidewalk. “Luckily for you, everything is pretty close together. Perks of city living.”

“that's what I like to hear.”

You took him down the side streets first, pointing out a few of the hole-in-the-wall shops that you enjoyed the most. As you turned the corner and stepped onto Main Street, something caught your eye.

Oh.

Another missing persons poster was taped up in a window of a cafe. You felt your heart squeeze a little as you pictured that woman from earlier in the precinct.

“ey, you alright? you look a little lost there, button.” Sans’ baritone voice cut through your thoughts and your gaze snapped over to his.

“Hm? Yeah, I'm alright. It's just… been a long day, that's all.”

Sans gave you an understanding look and you were thankful he didn't bother to ask you to talk about it. As shitty as your days could get sometimes, confidentiality came before everything else. Especially in cases like this one. Plus, you were pretty damn good at bottling your emotions if you did say so yourself.

“ah, shit,” Sans cursed. “what time is it?”

Glancing at your phone's clock you rambled, “Almost eight. Why?”

“oh, good. we probably still have time to make it then.”

“Make it?” you questioned. “Make what?”

“um, our reservations? food? dinner?”

Right. Because of course he would actually get you reservations today instead of making a joke out of it.

“And do you even know where this place is?”

“nah, not really. it did say it was somewhere on the main stretch, though. somethin’ called Karrie's Kitchen?”

You turned to face him, absolutely bewildered. Karrie's Kitchen was by far one of the most expensive restaurants in the city and almost assuredly had higher standards than you could ever hope to meet.

“Sans, _no_! You didn't!” Your words came out in a rush, and you were silently hoping that he was joking.

“what, is it really that hard to believe?” He had an almost offended look on his face.

“No, no, _Sans_. You can’t just throw this at me last minute! I’m not dressed up at all! Oh God, everyone there will be judging us!” You groaned into your hands, ignoring that damn grin Sans had on his face.

“eh, it’ll be fine. as long as we’re paying customers, I doubt they’ll kick us out for being ‘under dressed’. c’mon, it can’t be _that_ bad.”

It was that bad.

As soon as you had walked through the doors, the waiter, not very discreetly, gave you two one of the more secluded booths towards the back. Honestly, you couldn’t even be mad about it- you were just as happy being hidden away from the judging gaze of the wealthier couples scattered about the place.

After placing your drink orders, you very hesitantly picked up the menu. Bracing yourself for the worst, you quickly scanned over it looking for the cheapest meal you could find. There was only one problem.

“Sans?” You peered at him over the top of your menu to see him casually flicking through his.

“yep?”

“There are no prices in here.” You saw his permanent grin get just a little bit wider.

“yep.”

“Why are there no prices in here?” You narrowed your eyes as he tried to stifle the mirth on his face.

“because i know you and you’re the kind of person who goes for the cheap shit. well, tonight i made sure they knew not to give you that option. and no, button, you’re not allowed to order the chicken strips. that’s just insulting.”

If you had been in a less public place, you might very well have punched him in the arm. However, you were a grown-ass adult and decided not to embarrass yourself further. Instead, you decided to try to snatch Sans’ menu out of his hands.

In all honesty, you should have known better. Not only did you manage to trip over yourself halfway over the table, but Sans had also very clearly expected you to pull some shit like that. He moved faster than you could ever hope to and help the menu far out of reach. Which left you… jamming the edge of the table into your stomach and your head dangerously close to being slammed onto the surface.

Flushing red, you quickly righted yourself, looking around to make sure no one saw your stupidity. Sans had a hand over his teeth, laughing quietly. 

“Miss? Are you quite alright?”

The voice startled you and you realize that the waiter has returned with your drinks. Letting out a nervous chuckle you brushed some imaginary dirt off your pants doing your best to act as nothing had happened.

“Oh, yes, I’m alright. I just tripped.” He gave you a wary look and you gave him a nervous smile in return.

“Are you both ready to order?” he asked as he placed you drinks down onto the table.

“yeah, we’re all set. right, button?”

Oh, you could kill him. You gave a curt nod and scanned over your menu once more while Sans rattled off whatever monster food dish he was getting. You settled for the pasta primavera and prayed that it was at least one of the mid-range options. The server jotted down your orders and headed off to the back, menus in hand.

“Sans, my God, could you not?” you practically hissed. He was still sitting there with a bemused expression.

“could i not what? embarrass you? ‘cause i think you’re doing a pretty good job all by yourself at this point.” You huffed in response. “aw, c’mon, button. a whole one person saw you trip over yourself, it’s not so bad.”

You let your head rest on the table, defeated. You heard a puff of breath and a straw wrapper hit your cheek.

“...Did you just blow your wrapper at me?”

“...maybe.”

You tried to fight the grin that was itching at the corners of your lips, but, really, it was a losing battle. Sitting back up, you got to work on crumpling your straw wrapper into a small ball. Sans watched you with a growing curiosity. You place it deliberately onto the table and flick it in his direction. Sans, having the reflexes of a cat, blocked it from flying off of the table. Your eyes locked and he flicked it back over.

And that was how an unnecessarily intense match of tabletop ping pong got started.

Twenty minutes later you were both stifling your laughs as the waiter came out with your food. Taking the first bite, you swore you died and went to heaven.

“uh-oh. don’t let paps see you making that face over someone else’s pasta. you might just break his heart.”

“Shit,” you snickered, “you’re right. I feel like I’m committing betrayal.”

The rest of the meal went smoothly, your embarrassment long forgotten. It was almost scary how relaxed you could become around Sans. Eventually, the waiter had dropped off the bill and Sans had made it a point to grab it before you had the chance to look at the total. You swore you saw him slip a hundred into the check holder, but you weren’t certain. Needless to say, you were determined to make him tell you. After leaving a generous tip, you both decided to head out.

“Jeeze, Sans,” you commented as he held the door open for you, “I honestly can’t even remember the last time you opened a door for someone let alone pick up a bill.”

“hey now, i open doors for people all the time. i’m a true gentleman. plus i kinda figured i owed you one. that’s gotta make up for at least three years of making you buy me grillby’s, right?”

You scoffed. “Sure, we’ll go with that. But seriously, how much was it? I swear-” Your cell phone ringing in your pocket cut you off. Shit, that was the ringtone for work. “Hold that thought, I need to take this.” You pulled out your phone and answered taking on your professional tone.

“Thank God you picked up. We have a situation. They managed to ID that guy from the assault case. He was spotted walking downtown and decided to take off. I need you on backup. Now.”

You went rigid. “Where?”

“Main Street. David Brown. Wearing a leather jacket and a pair of ripped up jeans. Shouldn’t be hard to miss him. He’s armed and considered dangerous so-”

You were pretty sure he had said something else, but your train of thought was pulled away as you saw David fucking Brown himself weaving in and out of the crowd and straight in your direction. Throwing your phone over to Sans, you took off running.


	5. Working Through It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of the one month anniversary of this story, I decided to go ahead and update a bit earlier than planned. Plus I felt kind of bad for leaving you guys on that cliffhanger. Anywho, things get a bit dicey, so keep mind of those tags. 
> 
> As always, thank you to the beautiful [FabulousNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulousNerd/profile) and [TearStainedAshes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearStainedAshes/pseuds/TearStainedAshes) for betaing this chapter! I forever love you guys.
> 
> Come join the (18+) unicorn family [here!](https://discord.gg/Cx39jrE)

“Stay the fuck here!” you yelled to Sans as you dashed away. You didn’t bother looking back, fully focused on David Brown- Sans would have to wait. David was about a block away, but you were quickly closing the distance, maneuvering through the groups of people walking on the sidewalk. You silently cursed yourself for not having your gun and badge, but there was nothing for it at this point.

You knew that was probably why your boss had called in the first place- you hardly went anywhere off the clock without them. In a city like this, it was always best to be prepared for the worst. God forbid someone found out you are a cop in a less than ideal situation. It wasn’t unheard of for an off duty police officer to be injured or even killed because of vengeful people.

But you had thought one night wouldn’t hurt. Just one night to go out and have a good time. Apparently, you were wrong. As frustrating as it was, you put your thoughts aside and focused on the task at hand.

Seeing you running at him must have spooked him because in the next moment he was turning down an alleyway and out of sight. A few moments later you saw a couple of cops from your precinct come into sight. Waving them down, you pointed in the direction of the alleyway. Mind whirring trying to think of where this alley leads to, you decided to go around, hoping to cut him off at the other end.

As other two uniformed cops went into the alleyway, you pushed yourself to run faster, mentally apologizing to everyone you cut off along the way. At the very least, you were grateful for deciding not to dress up completely for tonight. Sure you could run in heels if you had to, but you were also pretty sure it would have ended with you spraining something in the process.

Turning the corner, you finally caught sight of his jacket again. He was heading towards you and this time, you opted to stop running. You placed yourself near one of the building walls, waiting for him to get closer. While he was busy looking over his shoulder at the cops in pursuit of him, he failed to notice the one right in front of him. You grabbed his sleeve as he tried to rush by, using his momentum against him to swing him into the brick wall. You couldn't help the smug grin as you heard the breath leave his lungs at the unexpected impact. You wasted no time wrenching his arm behind his back and began to rattle off his rights.

You didn’t expect the knife.

He had thrown his weight into your back making you stumble and lose your balance for just a moment. A moment was all he needed.

It came at you faster than your eyes could track, slicing through the air with deadly intent. Time seemed to slow down at that moment, and you swore you could feel your pulse pounding away throughout your entire body. You knew you were absolutely fucked. There was no other way around it.

As the sharp edge of the blade bit into your skin, your eyes met with those of David Brown's. They were cold and dark; no fear to be found. It struck you as strange and, if you were being honest, downright terrifying. Your mouth opened to form words you yourself didn’t know, but all that left your mouth was an unsteady breath.

Not understanding why you weren’t feeling more pain, you forced yourself to look down at the knife. The blade was still firmly in David’s grasp but something was definitely off. A light blue surrounded his hand and he seemed to be shaking as if the blade was the heaviest burden. A glance back to his face and you noticed he seemed just as confused as you were.

Not one to question your luck, you took the opportunity to back the hell away from him. The knife in David’s hand dropped to the ground with a loud clank as the other two cops had finally caught up to you both. They turned the still confused man around, cuffing him and picking up where you had failed.

Your hand instinctively went up to your chest, clutching at your rapidly beating heart still not understanding what had just happened. You legs wobbled beneath you, threatening to give out if you didn’t sit down soon. An arm wrapped around your shoulders and you felt yourself being led to the edge of the sidewalk and gently guided to sit on the ledge.

“button? hey, look at me, kiddo.”

You knew that voice. That was Sans’ voice. Sans was here. Why was Sans here?

The hand on your jaw, though gently placed, made you jump more than you cared to admit. Sans moved your head slightly and tilted his head to meet your gaze. You felt like you were staring right through him. A wretched sob forced itself out of your mouth and your chest felt like it was constricted to the point of discomfort.

The world seemed to spin around you and your heart was pounding loudly in your ears. Your tongue felt heavy and dry, sticking to the roof of your mouth. Breaths coming in short bursts, you couldn’t understand where the pain was coming from or why. All you knew was that it _hurt_. A set of arms wrapped around you, pulling you into a bony chest. Your arms were trapped in between the both of you awkwardly, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

“easy there, button. it’s only me, see? you’re alright. everything is alright now.”

But was it really? You had seen the look in that man’s eyes. You knew he intended to kill you. Why had he stopped? Clearly, he hadn’t wanted to. In fact, you had _felt_ the blade... Your eyebrows furrowed as your mind focused on that train of thought. You remembered the pain of the knife. That was important. It must be. Why had you remembered the pain? Body still shaking, you slowly leaned back and away from Sans’ embrace.

Red.

There was red on your arms.

You felt the dizziness return as you tried to process it.

Sans, noticing the confusion on your face, followed your gaze. You almost wished he wouldn’t have. He grabbed your wrists and very slowly moved your arms away from where they had been clasped to your front.

“ _shit._ ”

Blood was dripping freely from the cut that went straight through the top portion of your shirt and into your chest.

“ _shit_ ,” Sans repeated, scrambling to tear off a part his shirt. You meant to protest, you had really liked that shirt on him, but a shockwave of pain coursed through you as he used it to apply pressure to the wound. You wondered why you hadn’t felt it to begin with.

Sans was saying something else, you were sure of it, but his words seemed to be blurring together. You told him to slow the fuck down and repeat himself, at least, that’s what you _thought_ you said.

Obviously, he was to busy to pay you any attention. You felt another set of hands on your shoulders and you were being laid back onto the ground. You groaned your displeasure, the movement making your chest hurt more. Sans wasn’t next to you anymore, and you felt your confusion rise alongside of your anxiety. Where had he gone?

The two police officers from earlier were by your side now, the male, Jim, you recalled, was talking into his walkie-talkie. The female, you never learned her name, was kneeling next to you. Her lips were moving, but you couldn’t quite understand her. Something about shock? Were you in shock? That would explain a lot… You felt yourself starting to hyperventilate again.

How long had you been laying here? It felt like forever.

At some point a bright light shined into your eyes, making you cringe and look away. A jostle of movement and you were being moved. You weren’t aware of much, but you did know that you weren’t supposed to fall asleep. That was usually standard with this sort of thing, right? Probably. Voices around you faded in and out of focus and you were beginning to get frustrated with yourself. It couldn’t be that bad, could it? It was just a scratch...

Trying to sit up, you decided a bit too late, was a mistake.

Firm hands pushed you back down- not that they were needed. The pain involved was more than enough to have you flat on your back once again. This time, though, the world faded to black.

_Beep beep beep._

What the hell was that? You couldn’t tell, but you hated it.

_Beep beep beep._

It was way too loud for your liking and it was interrupting your sleep.

_Beep beep beep._

You should probably just get up and see what it was, because evidently, it wasn’t stopping anytime soon. Groaning, you opened your eyes, thankful for the lack of bright light this time. The beeping, as it turned out, was a machine off to your right.

With a slight annoyance, you realized that you were in a hospital bed. Right. The chase. You couldn’t really remember the ride to the hospital itself, but you sure as hell remembered the pain. Taking in the room around you, your eyes froze on a familiar lump slouched in one of the chairs lined up along the wall.

Sans was sound asleep, his feet tucked up underneath of him on the chair. You could hear the light snores from across the room and his sleeping face was almost peaceful... But the dark rings under his eye sockets gave away how stressed he actually was. You couldn’t stop the wave of shame that washed over you. He hadn’t asked for any of this… Was it really too much to ask to have a normal day with him? The whole night seemed like it was almost a waste of his time when you thought about it.

Looking at the clock, you realized that it was almost three in the morning. You watched him sleep for a while longer, not wanting to wake him from what was no doubt the first sleep he’s gotten since being here.

Your patience finally wore out and you spotted a kleenex box sitting on the bedside table. You thought about it for a few moments, almost feeling bad for what you were about to do. In the end, you decided it was better this way.

You chucked the box at his head.

Silently thanking whatever pain medication you were on for numbing you, you were able to manage a pretty straight shot. The box thunked off the side of his skull and he jerked upright in his seat, looking around wildly. You cleared your throat to get his attention and he was by the bedside in an instant.

“H-hey…” you tried saying gently, although it came out more hoarse than you intended. His eye lights were almost non-existent as they scanned over you. “Oh, calm down,” you insisted, “I’m fine. Really.”

“fine?” His voice was tight with strain. “you call this fine? button, fuck, you almost _died_ back there. i would say that’s pretty far from fine.” He was angry, you could tell. But you also saw that he was trying hard to not let it show right now.

“I… I know that,” you replied, twisting your hands in your lap. “But I also know that something else happened. I didn’t understand at first. My thoughts were all sort of jumbling together… I know it’s all apart of the job and all that and I shouldn’t be so shaken up by all of this... But Sans…” You looked up at his face, studying it. “What was that? The blue glowing around his hand and the knife? He… He didn’t know either, I could tell. He looked so confused and… and _angry._ ”

He met you with silence, seemingly conflicted about what to say. You sighed and picked up his hand from the bed, intertwining your fingers.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” The look on his face gave you the answer you needed. A small smile pulled at your lips.

“y-yeah. that was me…” He looked very uncomfortable now that you knew. You weren’t sure why he looked as if you were going to tell him to get lost. For fucks sake, he had just saved your life!

You brought his hand up to your lips, kissing it with a small, “Thank you.” Placing his hand back in your lap, you felt the telltale pricklings of tears beginning to form at the corner of your eyes. Why were you like this? You dealt with situations like these practically every day. So why should it be such a big deal when someone finally got a hit in for once?

“i’m sorry,” you heard Sans whisper. You blinked at him in confusion and after a moment he continued on. “i should’ve done something sooner. i... i was right there, i should’ve _done_ something.” His voice was deep, laced with a self-hatred that was unmistakable.

“Sans, you _did_ do something,” you insisted without hesitation. “You did everything! I’m _alive_ right now specifically because you did something. Don’t beat yourself up because I got a little scratch, alright?”

Sans scoffed. It was a start, you supposed.

“Speaking of… Should we tell someone that I’m awake?”

He perked up at that. “shit, yeah. hold on, i’ll be right back.” He made a dash for the door, leaving you to your own thoughts.

You were pretty sure your boss was going to kill you for this… Usually, you were known to conceal carry your weapon while off duty which is probably why he had called you in for backup in the first place. Plus, you had kind of thrown your phone while he was in the middle of talking to you… Yeah, that hadn’t been the smartest of ideas.

One of the nurses announced herself with a light knock on the door.

“Finally awake, I see!” She chirped sweetly as she started taking your vitals. Sans came back in the room, standing off to the side and out of the way.

“Sure am. Although I feel like I could sleep for about another twenty years before I finally feel rested after all this…”

“Well, I think you’ll be happy to know that the doctor has already cleared you to go home! We just wanted to make sure you woke up alright and can move around without getting dizzy. Of course, you’ll need to take the next couple days easy, but the wound itself wasn’t too bad. You didn’t end up needing stitches, although the doctor did seal it shut with a liquid bandaid. I’d say you’re one lucky gal! Things could have been a whole lot worse than what they were!”

You chuckled nervously and nodded, fully aware. After removing your IV, she walked you through the release forms and since you were still on medication, Sans signed the papers in your stead.

“Now, am I assuming your boyfriend will be driving you home?” The nurse asked it with such an innocent face, you almost felt bad correcting her.

“Ah, we’re not together, but I’m sure he can spare a few minutes to take me.” No use in trying to explain teleportation to others. It rarely ever went smoothly.

“Oh, of course, I apologize. However, you will need someone to watch over you for the next twenty-four hours. Do you live with someone?”

“that won’t be a problem,” Sans cut in. “i can clear my schedule.”

“But don’t you have work? Also what about-”

“eh, don’t sweat it. i have priorities, alright?” Sans smiled at you, but you could tell he was leaving no room for argument. You relented.

“Wonderful! Well, other than that, you two are free to go! Would you like me to get a wheelchair for you?” After politely declining, the nurse left the room to go file your paperwork. Which left you with a pretty blatant problem.

“Sans?”

“yeah?”

“Mind finding my clothes for me? I really don’t feel like wearing this gown home if I can help it.”

“ah, your shirt is pretty ripped up… hold on a second.” Sans blipped out of the room only to reappear a minute later holding a set of clothes from home. “here.”

“Oh, thank God.” You grabbed the clothing from him and slowly stood up with his help.

An awkward struggle in the bathroom later, you managed to wriggle your pants on and slip the shirt over your head without too much pain. Unfortunately, it appeared as though you would have to say goodbye to your favorite bra. At the very least, the new one Sans had grabbed hooked in the front. And they said men couldn’t think ahead.

It was a bit harder making it out of the hospital, but you were determined to walk the entire way out. Your legs weren’t the injured part of you, dammit, and you refused to make a scene by up and disappearing in front of someone who may be watching. It was a hell of a lot easier to get away with in public areas like the park since people were rarely paying attention to what others were doing. Sans was a huge help by letting you use him as your personal crutch. You really owed one him after this.

Once you were finally outside, Sans cast a quick glance around before teleporting you into your living room. He walked you over to the couch, letting you sit down while he put your stuff away.

“You don’t happen to have my phone still, do you?” As much as you weren’t looking forward to reading the messages, you figured it would be better to get it over with sooner rather than later. Sans tossed it to you before heading into the kitchen to grab you some water. You offhandedly told him to help himself to the ketchup in the fridge since you had replaced the one he had drank a while ago.

Scrolling through the new messages, you were sure tomorrow promised to be a less than fun day… A few were from your boss saying that you had the next few days off, but you still had to go in to fill out an incident report tomorrow. A handful of them were from your mother saying she saw that an officer was injured on the news and she was getting worried when you never replied back. The last few were from Papyrus and Frisk wishing you well. You could only assume Sans had filled them in on what had happened while you were in the hospital. After spending a few minutes replying to everyone and assuring them you were fine, you tossed your phone off to the side in exhaustion.

Sans came back into the room, plopping himself down next to you and handing you the glass of water. You practically guzzled the whole thing, never being more relieved for cool liquid hitting your dry throat. You could still see Sans watching you and you were tempted to tell him to take a picture. Honestly, you knew why he was a bit unnerved by everything that happened today, but you really didn’t appreciate the way he was staring at you like you were going to disappear at any given moment. It was very off-putting.

“Sans, you know I’m okay, right?”

“yeah, i know. it’s just…” His voice trailed off and his eye lights flickered. You nudged his arm with your elbow, trying to snap him out of whatever he was thinking about.

“Hey. Mind turning on the T.V.? I don’t think I’m going to be getting much sleep after this. A distraction would be great right about now.” You smiled at him sheepishly, knowing it was a pretty lame excuse. Luckily, he took it in stride and flicked the T.V. on. He started flipping through the channels in search of something to watch. Migrating over closer, you rested against him lightly, minding the cut on your chest. He shifted, making more room for you and, a bit hesitantly, draped his arm around your shoulders.

The hours past slowly as you both watched shows in uncomfortable silence. For a moment you were transported back to last week after your conversation about your dildo. There was that unspoken strangeness between the two of you again and you absolutely hated it. You almost wished it was about something stupid like a unicorn dildo again instead of whatever this would be classified as. You supposed it would be better to just bite the bullet.

“Scale of one to ten,” you stated, nestling yourself further into his side.

“for what?” Sans looked down at you, his head tilting slightly.

“For how angry you are at me for today?” You felt him move and could tell he was about to protest so you continued on before he had the chance. “Sans, give me a little credit. We both know what I did was irrational and stupid. If it were anyone else, I’d be furious at them, too. I just… I want to know how bad I fucked up, I guess.”

Sans remained quiet for some time after that, and, quite frankly, you were too afraid to ask him why. Eventually, he cleared his throat (you still weren’t sure how he did that) and scratched at the back of his skull.

“honestly? at first, i didn’t feel much of anything. it was a lot to process. i saw you were in danger and i reacted. simple as that.” He let out a short sigh before continuing. “it wasn’t until i was in the waiting room that i realized how mad i was.”

You winced but nodded. You were sure he had plenty of time to think through his emotions when he was waiting for any sort of news. You knew damn well that his anger was well deserved.

“i wasn’t mad at you though. not really.”

You weren’t going to lie. That threw you way the hell off.

“That doesn’t make much sense though, Sans,” you said with a slight chuckle. “I don’t think there’s anyone else you can blame for my own stupidity.” You felt him rest his chin on your head as you tried wrapping your head around whatever he was trying to get at.

“don’t get me wrong, i spent a good while pacing around the waiting room thinking about how dumb you were for running after someone unarmed like that.”

That was a valid point.

“but turns out, the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i was mad at that guy, button, not you. the fact that he threatened you, the fact that he so much as breathed in your direction with the intent to hurt you… it pissed me off. who the hell hurts others when they can’t even defend themselves?”

That… was a bit off the mark, but you decided not to comment on it. Clearly, Sans was working through his thought process as he went and you weren’t about to interrupt him.

“i was so mad… but i couldn’t do anything close to what i wanted to do to him. all i could do was try to stop the knife and i couldn’t even do that part right.”

You sat up at that, immediately changing your mind. You were going to interrupt the hell out of that train of thought.

“Well, clearly you did considering I’m still walking around. Sure it’ll hurt like a bitch tomorrow but I’ll take this over dying, thanks.” You really hated the look on his face. “You should be mad at me, you know,” you continued. “You should be telling me how inconsiderate and reckless I am, not beating yourself up because you saved my life.”

“i can’t be mad at you, button.”

“And why the hell not?”

“because…” He looked off to the side, never finishing that thought. Instead of pushing him, you wrapped him in another hug.

“Thanks for being there for me today, Sans.” He draped his arms around you and for the first time in hours his warm embrace had you feeling safe once again.

“heh, anytime.”


End file.
